Unconditional Love is Possible

By: Emily Bouchard

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." - Emily Dickinson

Yesterday, my 25-year-old stepdaughter called from Hawaii to talk with me. During an hour-long conversation about life and losses, hopes and dreams, & fears and doubts, we shared laughter and tears together. At the end of our talk, she expressed something from her heart that I never thought I�d hear. She said "While it was so painful, I�m glad my parents got divorced so that I could have you in my life." Her gratitude fills my heart and spills over in tears of love and joy, flowing again as I write her words. I entered her life when she was 18 and still recovering from the shock of her mother moving out 2 months earlier. She watched her parents struggle to salvage their marriage over the course of the previous year, and she struggled with her own pain and fears around their imminent break-up. At first, I filled a role of trusted confidant and friend. I supported her in her studies, and I helped her express her feelings of confusion, loss and grief related to her parents divorce. Then, she moved to Germany for a year as a nanny to a young family with 2 children. With the physical distance came a wall of resistance to me. She allowed herself the freedom to be angry with me and my presence in her life. We went for over 6 months without any communication at all between us. I wondered if that would ever change.

When she moved back home, I felt like I was living with a split personality. One minute she would be sweet, nice, and open, the next minute she would be gloomy, moody, and hateful towards me. Together we got to confront her feelings about me head on. She used all her "passive aggressive" arsenal of weapons against me � cold, hard stares, rolled eyes, looks that could kill, a venomous smile as she delivered a piercing blow with her silent responses to my overtures of reaching out. She was shifting from being the girl who did everything to please everyone else to a woman who had her own opinions, and spoke her own mind regardless of what anyone else thought.

It was an amazing process to go through. While she was armed with her weapons, I had my protective armor and full toolbox. I felt like Wonder Woman with her bracelets, fending off one shot after the next! I used every tool I'd been trained with and discovered what worked and what did not. I learned painful lessons about myself in the midst of receiving her wrath, and I gained an inner strength and knowing as we navigated that awful time successfully together. I was not afraid of the onslaught. I knew in my heart how important it was for her healing process (and mine). And I welcomed it. No, it was not fun or enjoyable in any way. And I welcomed it � because I knew how important it was for her development and growth (and mine). Being willing to be hated was a tough one, and it made a big difference. It didn't mean that I just took it all with a smile � it meant that I was willing to go the distance with her and to show her that no matter what, I was there and would always love her.

During that time, the four of us (my husband, his two daughters, and myself) went to a daylong workshop on Byron Katie's The Work. The girls got into a fight on the way to the workshop and were barely speaking to each other by the time we entered the room and took our seats. We were asked to write out The Work on a current situation that was causing us pain in our lives. My eldest stepdaughter, the one with all the anger, chose to write about her sister and what had just happened between them. When the presenter asked for a volunteer, she raised her hand and was chosen.

As she read her piece and did her work, so many truths about her feelings and beliefs unraveled before all our eyes � and revealed to each of us the same inner workings in our own minds. She did her work while looking directly at her younger sister, who was more familiar with this tool and who knew that she was learning much more about her sister and how she feels about herself. At one point, the presenter asked her: "Is there anything your sister can do that would keep you from loving her?" to which she replied "No." There wasn't a dry eye in the place as everyone got the depth of the meaning for all our hearts. We each have the capacity to love unconditionally once we truly embrace and love ourselves with all our faults. Love is a choice. Love is an action. Love is a verb. She discovered that "no matter what" she would always love her sister.

As she continues to do the work and to explore who she really is, she is able to extend that kind of love to others, including the stepmother who she once could not stand!If I can support even one stepparent in discovering this place of unconditional love, then my life has been well spent.

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Emily Bouchard, has over 18 years of experience in working with children and families to deal with problems. Emily is also a loving stepmother to two young women who were teenagers when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Families newsletter. Don't miss her Caring

page.
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